Longing To Belong

Here's a scene from my sixth grade gym class: The team captains choose their players for softball, best players first. “Chris, Ann, Sarah, Carol, Nancy, Beth…” Every name in the class is called before “Janet.” I’m the last to be chosen. I think, "What a despicable loser I am. No one wants me. I don't belong!"

My body remains in place while my brain zooms off into outer space. I do not want to feel the shame that is sliding, like death, up my spine.

My 11-year-old self decides that, in the future, I will excel. (and stay away from softball!) Achievement should keep me safe. If I’m really good at stuff no one can think I’m a loser.

Yet the feeling does return. Thousands of times I fear that people think I’m the worst. It hijacks my spirit. It disconnects me from the very people I want to belong to.

Decades later the flaws of my strategy become clear. First, if I have to excel to be safe, I am threatened by the company of high achievers. Second, what I really want to be good at is belonging.  Excelling at other things doesn’t help.

Are you relating to this? Few people grow up so well-supported that they don’t question their self worth; most of us visit the question often. What about you?

I remember a special celebration at the school where I taught science. The whole community was invited to the event but I felt OUT of it, like I did not belong. The thing is, I had worked there for  20 years and my children were students there. It occurred to me, “If anyone should feel like she belongs, it should be me. What is up with this picture?”

I thought that my belonging was in the hands of others. They accept me or they don’t. I’ve learned that it’s just the opposite!  It’s in my hands. I accept myself or I don’t. People pick up on subtle signals; if I’m uncomfortable with me, then they are too. When I’m at home in my skin, my tribe appears.

Belonging is not a feeling; it begins as a thought. You must realize that you do belong. Then, for the thought to take root, you need to act.  Belonging is something you do. If you wait around for it, it will not come to you. You must allow yourself to belong.

I’m living this lesson now. Having just moved across the country, I regularly walk into a room of people where I know no one. At social events, seminars, and meetings, I allow myself to belong. It happens faster when I interact. So, if it’s a dance, I ask people to dance. If it’s a coaches’ meeting, I go up to people and find common interests. In shops or on the train, I strike up conversations. I release those who don’t respond. I enjoy those who do. The sweet sense of belonging is in my power at last!!

Oh yeah, there are days when I forget all I’ve learned. Then I simply begin again.