Designing Alliances: Turning Connection into Collaboration

It's the day before school begins and you are tucking your ten-year-old into bed. You ask, "What do you want fifth grade to be like?" You take the time to really listen. Then you ask "How will you help make that come true? and "How would you like us (the family) to help you?"

You and two colleagues are beginning a new project at work. You start to create a list of tasks but then stop and say, "Wait a minute. What is really important about what we are creating here?" And "How do we want to be together as we do this work?"

Your spouse has been laid off. It is a worry, a strain. The two of you sit down together and share your worst fears and your highest hopes as you navigate the circumstances. "What kind of help would you like to get from me?" gets shared both ways. And even "What are the new opportunities for us in the next couple months?"

These scenarios show opportunities to bring conscious choice, rather than habitual patterns, into how we live and work with the people around us. Designing the way we interact with others transforms relationships into intentional, collaborative partnerships. A little time invested early clarifies what's important to each person and expands what's possible. "Oh, yeah! We could have fun while we do this!" "We can create a new tradition that better fits where we are now." "I have some power in how this goes." These are all likely realizations when participating in designing alliances. The designing process unlocks us from the worn grooves that we tend to travel in and opens us up to fresh possibilities.

Whether new developments are joyful, sorrowful, or somewhere in between, taking time to acknowledge what's new and to dream up what's possible reduces loneliness and increases the chance that we will recognize new opportunities. 

Not long ago, my good friend and I decided she would move in and share a part of my home. There was a lot going on for her at the time but we made time to talk through our hopes and fears, our expectations, and our tender spots. Even when, maybe especially when, we love the people we are dealing with, we have to admit we can’t read their minds. We don’t really know a person’s thoughts unless we ask. 

So many relationships at home and work lend themselves to designing how to move forward together. A death, a move, a new degree, a new job, a vacation, a new season, a new school year, a new financial development, in fact, all beginnings and transitions provide the chance to take a fresh look, to see what you both want more of or less of now. We are not machines; what worked well two years ago may not be the most life-enhancing way for us now. “We made agreements when we started this marriage, (this business plan, this calendar year,) and now there is a new development. How do we want to approach this now? What can we dream up that would meet the needs of both of us?”

Designing an alliance is not a “one time and you are done” kind of process. Agreements made during the honeymoon phase of any relationship are, in time, tested, challenged, and perhaps broken. We need to go back to the design table to examine where we are now. My housemate and I had that kind of conversation yesterday. “What does it really take to make this work?” “What do you really mean when you say that?” This effort is not for wimps. And needing to review doesn’t mean we have failed; it means we are human and it reminds us that tending important relationships is supposed to take time. 

What does it mean to you to be part of a family or part of a team? Have you thought about that lately? Is the relationship just bumping along or is it being consciously steered to serve quality of life?

Here is a list of possible questions to consider when designing an alliance. 

What are our worst fears? 

What are our highest hopes?

What is already working and what is not working?

What do we want more of and what do we want less of?

What would help us do what we need to do?

What might get in the way?

What do we want to get out of this experience?

What atmosphere do we want to create?

What are we not speaking about that needs to be addressed?

How do we want to be with each other?

How will we handle it when we disagree?

Each person answers the question and together you look for overlap, for alignment. It is a creative process to weave together the elements of what is uncovered into the fabric of the updated, newly informed relationship.

The result? More enthusiasm, deeper bonds, and the creation of relationships that are more resilient in the face of difficulty. Who’s not for that??