Conflict Management Skills: A Self Evaluation

Rate yourself in a particular personal relationship, on a scale of 1 – 10

1.     Knowing what I want

2.     Advocating for my interests

3.     Listening actively

4.     Expressing myself clearly

5.     Being willing and able to show my imperfections, fears, and disappointments

6.     Opening to the influence of the other person

7.     Avoiding withdrawal and shutting down

8.     Asking for help

9.     Taking and giving time-outs as needed, paired with reconvening

10.  Being confident in the influence I have

11.  Being respectful of the other’s differences

12.  Finding the place of agreement below the disagreement

13.  Making eye contact

14.  Offering and receiving repair bids

15.  Avoiding blame, criticism, defensiveness, and contempt

16.  Keeping my word

17.  Adjusting to change

18.  Sharing my hopes, dreams, and the things I am proud of

19.  Being able and willing to state another’s point of view when I think it is flawed

20.  Using humor effectively

21.  Being willing and able to stay engaged during discord

22.  Not taking the other (their actions, feelings, or words) as a reflection of me

23.  Avoiding numbing out through TV, alcohol, shopping, over-eating etc. (whatever it is you use)

24.  Noticing, naming, and fully experiencing my feelings

25.  Asking for the kind of listening or type of response wanted

26.  Stating observations in neutral terms

27.  Avoiding assumptions that could be checked

28.  Assuming positive intent on the other side

29.  Separating the past from the present and staying in the present

30.  Sharing frequent appreciation from the heart

31.  Really letting in the appreciation I am given

32.  Taking responsibility for my part

33.  Being able to say, “I’m sorry.”

34.  Standing as an equal; neither above nor below the other

35.  Making time for connection

Find your percentage score by adding all your ratings, putting two zeros on the end of the sum, and divide that number by 350. the important thing is to notice the items where you had a low score. They point you to areas of growth that could shift the dynamics of your relationships for the better.

Pick three of the above where your score is low and the item feels important. Rewrite the items affirmations and post them where you can see them regularly. Use the present tense and be specific. Your subconscious mind will work along with your conscious mind to turn your intentions into new actions.

Example: for making time for connection, you might write something like, I plan my daily schedule so that my partner and I have a minimum of 20 minutes together without distractions

Revisit this self-evaluation often on for continual progress.