The #1 Mistake Couples Make

You want to know what it is? It's very simple. The top mistake couples make is competing over who is right and who is wrong. It is so crazy and so prevalent that Jerry Seinfeld created a TV show about it called The Marriage Ref. (On the show, a panel of judges listens to a couple's argument, then votes for the husband or wife as being right, followed by a final ruling by the ref.) Apparently having a built-in referee is what marriages have been missing!

While the concept of the show is funny, the habit of judging right and wrong has sad consequences. Once you believe there is a right way and wrong way, then when one action seems right, another must be wrong. Unconsciously, you are caught up in this judgment game. And regardless of who loses, the real loser is always the relationship.

It goes like this: I'd rather be right than wrong. It is to my advantage, therefore, for you to be wrong. It makes sense within the rules of this game to point out, or at least to think, how you are wrong and to become, over time, more and more exasperated by how very wrong you are. I must do this or else I have to be wrong, which is worse. From my experiences and upbringing I believe:

This is the way to drive.

This is the way to parent.

This is the way to cut vegetables.

This is the way to deal with money.

You have your own beliefs about these things and in the world of right/wrong, they are inferior. So we are opponents in a land of scarcity. When we judge the other or feel judged by him or her, we may send verbal darts or we may just distance ourselves.  The relationship is infected and the fever it gets can be high grade with frequent flare-ups, or low grade and chronic. We might get so used to the fever that it starts to feel normal.

The irony is that we could, just as easily, be collaborators in a land of plenty. We can get rid of right and wrong and accept that different preferences are OK. We can find the gifts within our diversity and design ways to make it work for both. We can change the rules of the game so that the relationship comes first. This is nothing less than a change of culture, but we only need to change the two of us. 

Even one person in a pair has the power to change the relationship's culture. You created the culture of your relationship; you can change it!